I feel alive.
I feel so alive, I don’t feel like I’m simply living. I feel like a new person. I don’t remember the person I used to be. I feel in my soul, in my gut that I am a new person. Picture this;
It’s a cold winter day, freezing; I forgot my hat, I don’t have my gloves on, this morning I realized I lost my straightener, I have 4 midterms and 3 assignments due in the span of 3 days. I overslept, didn’t have time to do my makeup. I stayed up late doing homework. I have a busy day of classes, just to come home to continue to study.
And I have never felt happier.
I feel alive.
I don’t know how to put it into words. I let my ears and fingers embrace the cold. I bought a coffee to carry it as a little warm up. I appreciate the little spills of coffee on my hand, the hot drops contrast with the wind and its amazing.
I threw my hair into a pony tail, knowing my hair straightener is nothing but an object; I can buy a new one.
All my work is piling up, but I have never felt so grateful to be in school. I go to university. I’m in the program I want to be. Im on my way to a successful future and that on its own is a piece of success. I hear each footstep I take knowing very well the ground I’m on walking on is the university’s ground; my ground. The one I belong on. I am supported by everyone; by me. I feel like I belong and it makes all the work feel like a lifestyle; like a step in a daily routine; not a chore, more like a step. A step going up, and up is where I keep going every step I take. I feel grateful to have passions, this is what makes me feel alive. I feel passionate and dedicated. I feel like I want something and I am ready to work for it; I want to work for it.
I stayed up late in my apartment, with roommates who I love. All of us doing work. I went to the gym then home to do homework and it gave me energy that I surround myself with such dedicated people. To the point that I live with these people, constantly in an environment that pushes me to keep going. Where we can all sit down in the living room together with a jug of coffee and stay up as late as possible to work on our assignment, shifting from a quiet setting, to a slightly distracted one just to laugh about our distraction and get back to it. And if need be, I can simply head to my room and work in silence. I have that option. Its our space; its my space.
I get to go to classes; each class imparts knowledge into me and it fills me up with joy that each professor has gone through this exact route, and has worked hard to be where they are. They are passionate. They radiate this passion. Some are tired, old, overworked.. its beautiful. To know they’ve lived so long, taught so many lessons, touched so many people. They are tired. Yet they work, and sometimes, you see the joy in their chosen subject in their eyes when they really get into what they’re saying.
I drank water. I ate food. I am going to the gym.
And through the wind and the clouds, there is still some sunlight, and though it’s covered at times, I have never felt so alive.
I have never felt such utter happiness.
I have no words to fully describe it because paper is not enough space.
There is nothing more I wish for than to share this. Happiness because I have such a high supply of it, I believe that everyone deserves to feel it.
I feel so alive; it reminds me that this is where I belong, this is where I need to be, and I would not have gotten here if it weren’t for all the steps that I have taken.
The steps that feel like I’m going backwards, the steps that bury me in clouds, the steps that make me skip a turn, the steps that make me re-start… its all part of the process and its okay if I don’t finish first because I know that I will still finish and I can laugh about how fun it all was.
I feel so alive there is no other way to describe it.
I wish I could put these words into poetry and make them sound more beautiful, but my happiness is so raw and authentic, I feel the need to make this as raw as possible too because the poetry is not in this page; its outside, in the work we do, in the gym we go to, in the people we talk to, in the food we eat, in the decisions we make, in the vibrant colours we see, in the shades that we feel, in the atmosphere we live in, and paper will never be enough to reflect this.
And no matter how much I edit this page, it will never fully even come close to what happiness feels like.
The closest thing I can say is that,
I feel alive.